–noun: a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom: The endless lecture produced an unbearable ennui.

It doesn’t mean what I exactly thought it meant; I was right about the weariness and discontent, but not that it results from boredom.  I was musing on it the other night when I was thinking about a general down feeling I’ve been having lately.  A discussion with my wife yesterday over lunch I think helped enlighten me a bit.  After finishing my story, my life then lacked a purpose.  Purpose is something I’ve struggled with before, and it makes sense that after finishing a big project that dominated my time, that I would suddenly feel untethered and unsure of what to do.

I need a new purpose, and I think I am going to make it around editing my book, like my wonderful wife suggested.  I want to be a writer, honestly, but I never will be unless I edit and publish a good story.  I feel like my job is a bit of a dead-end and a placeholder, but I’ll never move on unless I try.  I’ve felt better since that conversation, since I feel like I am getting my energy back.  Oddly enough, seeing a freaking Lady Gaga interview and learning about her and the approach she’s taken to life has made me realize that you can control your destiny, at least to a degree, and I’ll never do what I want – write for a living – without trying.  I’ll write, and I’ll keep throwing it out there, and it just might stick, and one day I might earn enough of a living from typing words.  Will I be satisfied with that?  I don’t know but I am excited to try.  I know I have the support system in place from my amazing spouse.  Now its just a matter of trying.

About Alan Edwards

Cancer caregiver, writer, accountant, gamer, poolboy, and dispenser of terrible advice that should never under any circumstances be followed.

Posted on December 8, 2009, in Self Reflection and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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