There are many songs of the season that evoke warm feelings of nostalgia or spark childhood memories. For me, Burl Ives’ “Holly Jolly Christmas” is one of those, as every time I hear it I can see the battered 8-track of my childhood, Burl’s white-bearded face smiling at me like Mr. Kringle himself. Other songs just evoke a joy within, not necessarily tethered to a memory but engendering a feeling of happiness and of the season. Again, for me, Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” (if that’s the name) are two of those songs. This post has nothing to do with anything that I have described above.
I fucking HATE this noise that gets called music that gets pounded into our goddamn ears every fucking year at this time. It seems like every time I walk into a store or restaurant, that is the exact moment that “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree” gets played. I hate that fucking song more than I hate any fucking noise ever produced. I’d rather listen to a baby scream for 5 minutes straight than hear that fucking song one more time. It’s a perfect storm of stupid lyrics, annoying music, and a country-music vibe. If I was on a jury in a murder trial, and the defendant claimed that he was driven to it by this fucking song, I would vote to acquit every time.
Another one is “Jingle Bell Rock”. Why the fuck is there some necessity to merge rock music and Christmas music, at least in the title of these stupid annoying songs? There isn’t a hint of fucking rock music in either of these idiotic songs, so why must we try? I guess there probably is a “Polka Christmas Jig”, a “Hip-Hop Winter Wonderland”, and a “Ska Sledding Down the Fucking Winter Path”, but I haven’t heard them, and if I did I hate them too.
The second worst offense against the human ear, behind “Rocking Around the Fucking Christmas Tree, Let Me Shove This Icepick Into My Ears”, is every goddamn parody song of a Christmas song ever made, including the fucking commercial jingles around this time. Every third fucking commercial is a variation of “Buy our stupid fucking shi-it, Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.” I want to scream or kill someone, and I might end up killing someone while screaming. The “clever” parody songs piss me off just as much, because they’re fucking LONGER than a goddamn commercial and just as fucking inane. “Oooh, you managed to change the lyrics to a song! How fucking GENIUS of you.” It makes me hate Christmas, and no one likes getting toys more than me.
So here’s a big hearty ho-ho-ho and FUCK YOU for the holiday season. Next time I might just have a word about the “Keeping Christ in Christmas” asshats.