Struggling

I’m struggling today to do just about everything.  I’m struggling with forcing myself to work.  I’m struggling with making myself write (although I did pen a little addition to “The Space“, a small scene which has wedged itself into my brain and refused to let up until I wrote it down, so I did and will be updating the story as it’s posted here just after I finish this).  Hell, I struggled putting up a blog post.  I wanted to put something up (probably related to some interesting programs I watched looking at the Old Testament through the eyes of a military historian which absolutely fascinates me, but evidently couldn’t be less interesting to everyone I’ve tried to talk to about it over the last few days), but struggled with what to say and how to say and if I’d offend anyone with it and wondering why I care about that at all and blah blah blah.  Instead I’ll just write what I’ve been thinking half-heartedly about this morning.

Someone bought a copy of “Blamers” from the Kindle UK store.  That makes me feel good.  I’ve even sold 6 copies of The Curse of Troius this month.  That’s a banner month, heh.

I read an article about how to answer that interview chestnut, “What is your biggest weakness?”  Reading it and the corporate BS swill that you are expected to spew out in response made me imagine myself sitting in an interview chair today for some shitty corporate job that’s just like every other corporate job, 99% bullshit and 1% actual production.  If I had to do an interview right now, I wouldn’t get the job if they were federally mandated to hire me.  I think crawling back into Frank Ebbets’ mind to put the last touch on “The Space” was my downfall.  Our worlds are similar enough that seeing it from his defeated and defenseless eyes makes me feel completely repulsed with everything about the corporate life.  Except the money.  Got bills to pay.

That said, the car that usurped my parking space 3 weeks ago, then stole my new replacement the next week (and thus got the ball rolling behind “The Space” in the first place) wasn’t there this morning.  I parked in my new space.  I guess writing it banished the Elder God that was plaguing me after all.

I will leave the corporate world before I become Frank Ebbets.  Any more than I already have.

I have zero energy.  I slept like the dead last night and was exhausted just waking up.  We have a house showing tonight right after work, which means run home, touch up house, gather dogs, leave, hide for an hour.  Necessary, but not exactly what I’m looking forward to. 

If I had more energy, I’d be working on Storm right now.  Crawling into poor Frank’s head is easy, but the character I’m in at this point in Storm is hard.  My brain just doesn’t feel able to bring it to life.

I wonder how hard it is to write two books at once.  I generally read 4 or 5 books at a time, switching between them depending on my mood and location, so I wonder if I could do that.  I’d really rather finish Storm, but my new idea is consuming a lot of my mindscape lately.  It may demand at least a beginning.

Tuna for lunch.

Addendum: Maybe listening to Nox Arcana Radio on Pandora isn’t exactly a mood-or-energy elevator either.  Perhaps a more upbeat soundtrack is in order.

About Alan Edwards

An indie writer who does accounting full-time on the side.

Posted on April 25, 2011, in Self Reflection and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. 1.Maxwell’s Silver Hammer 3:27 Abbey Road The Beatles
    2.Survive 4:56 BBC Radio Theater London David Bowie
    3.Happiness Is a Warm Gun 2:44 The Beatles White Album
    4.Street Fighting Man 3:18 Beggars Banquet The Rolling Stones
    5.Dead Man’s Party 6:24 Best O’ Boingo Oingo Boingo
    6.Zombie 5:08 Bualadh Bos: The Cranberries Live The Cranberries
    7.Dead Souls 4:54 The Crow Nine Inch Nails
    8.Broken ,Beat and Scarred 6:26 Death Magnetic Metallica
    9.All Nightmare Long 7:58 Death Magnetic Metallica
    Showdown 3:55 E.L.O Greatest Hits Electric Light Orchestra
    10.Just Like You Imagined 3:50 The Fragile- Left Nine Inch Nails
    11.Stop Don’t Panic 4:32 A Funk Odyssey Jamiroquai
    12.S.O.S. 3:22 Greatest Hits ABBA
    13.It Keeps You Runnin’ 4:17 Greatest Hits The Doobie Brothers
    14.Don’t Stop Me Now 3:32 Greatest Hits Queen
    15.Renegade 4:15 Greatest Hits Styx
    16.Cuts you up 5:29 Haight1 Peter Murphy
    17.Papercut 3:05 Hybrid Theory Linkin Park
    18.Fight 4:28 Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me The Cure
    19.Panic 2:20 Louder Than Bombs The Smiths
    20.Help! 2:19 LOVE The Beatles
    21.Bullet with Butterfly Wings 4:18 Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness Smashing Pumpkins
    22.People Are People 3:52 Some Great Reward Depeche Mode
    23.Six Shooter 1:19 Songs For The Deaf Queens of the Stone Age
    24.We’re So Starving 1:22 Welcome To The Sound of Pretty Odd Panic At The Disco
    25.Cut 5:56 Wish The Cure
    26.Survivalism 4:26 Year Zero Nine Inch Nails
    27.In This Twilight 3:36 Year Zero Nine Inch Nails
    28.68 Guns 3:16 101 Punk & New Wave Anthems – CD6 The Alarm
    29.21 Guns 5:21 21st Century Breakdown Green Day
    30.Sleep when I’m Dead 3:52 4:13 Dream The Cure

  2. I feel your pain. Today is… well, it just is. At least I saved you from the house cleaning part for the added showing.

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