Here Are Some TV Shows I Either Hate or Don’t Get

I don’t watch a ton of TV. I do have a bunch of shows I DVR and watch religiously like Archer, Tosh.0, Top Shot (I love Colby, and I love his teeth), some cooking shows (farewell, Good Eats, and thank you for really teaching me how to cook like a badass), Doctor Who, Top Gear, some BBC comedies… well, actually, that adds up to a shitload of TV. But hey, when repeats are factored in, it comes to just an hour or two a day at most. Some weeks we watch none at all.

Sometimes, though, I don’t have anything on tap, or I’m just trying to relax for a bit after work, and we’ll surf around and find something to watch. A lot of times it turns out to be odd shit like Mythbusters or What Not To Wear (don’t judge me) or – hey, I said don’t judge me – something like – you know what? Fine. Judge me all you want. I FIND THE SARCASTIC BANTER OF STACY AND CLINTON BOTH WITTY AND URBANE. So there. – or something equally random. It’s during these times that I am forced to see commercials, a vile life form I hate so vociferously that they can literally make me shake with rage. I have a friend who finds it endlessly amusing the gymnastics I’ll go through when diving 16 feet over a table, 2 dogs, a laptop, and couch to snag the remote so I can mute the first non-show sounds I hear. I really hate commercials.

Every now and again, though, I see them with or without sound. Or I’ll be flipping through the guide and notice the titles, and think to myself – what the fuck? Who watches this? Why? Is this country doomed? What follows is a list of some of those shows that make me wonder about or completely lose faith with humanity.

Oh, and if you’re easily offended, skip the “Toddlers & Tiaras” section below. Actually, you’re better off heading off somewhere else in general, but especially with that section.

  • Ancient Aliens – This show has the premise that all sorts of old shit was built or guided or used to signal alien life forms that visited this planet in Days Gone By. All sorts of “experts” talk about all sorts of reasons why this is “true”. I’m dumbfounded. People really, honestly, 100% for sure believe that? Really? Huh. Wow. I mean, I believe that there is alien life out there, sure. It’s a big motherfucking universe. There is bound to be something living out there. But I cannot and will not believe that fucking aliens have built fucking spaceships and buzz around telling people how to build pyramids and shit. I mean, honestly. I believe in UFOs inasmuch as I believe there are flying objects that an observer couldn’t identify. UFOs are not fucking aliens. They are something the farmer in Kansas couldn’t figure out. Anyway, I don’t get this show.
  • Ghost Hunters, et al – These ones crack me up. The premise is a bunch of people go to a “haunted” location and use low-light cameras and fucking thermometers and made-up shit to track something nobody has ever proven exists in order to try to capture the supernatural on camera. Mostly what we see is some long-ass description of the supposed events that led to the supposed haunting from some local set to dramatic music and filmed with bizarre camera angles, followed by 30 minutes of these Paranormal Investigators filmed with low-light cameras being dramatic every time someone farts or drops something. WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?! Run! Oh wow, look! There’s a COLD SPOT on this wall! IT’S THE GHOST OF MRS. MORLEY AND HER SUSPICIOUS CAT! Look, I’d love to believe in the supernatural. I’m all Fox Mulder about that shit – I want to believe. But I can’t. Why? Because in all of human existence there is no fucking proof of the supernatural. Do I get the heebie-jeebies walking around in the dark? Fuck yeah, I’m an animal hard-wired for that shit. It doesn’t mean that the Indian Burial Grounds (those dudes must’ve buried a shit-ton of people to account for all the goddamn hauntings they allegedly produce) are angry at me for my suburban house.
  • Toddlers & Tiaras – Holy shit, does this show make me angry. The commercials alone, even if I see them at 6x speed, send me into a foul-mouthed saliva-spraying tizzy every fucking time I see one, as my poor wife can attest. On this show, heavily-made-up harpy mothers force their daughters to get made up like whores and parade around like they’re advertising 2-for-1s on blowjobs and anal. It’s disgusting. These “mothers” are nearly always women who used to think their looks were the only things that made them worth a shit, so now that they’re older and have dropped kids and their tits are sagging they’ve decided that the best way to build their kids’ self-esteem is to implant the idea that their looks are everything and scream in their faces while they forcefeed their kids Red Bull and Mountain Dew. I hate that TV networks give these hideous fucking examples of humanity a platform and exposure to act like fucking lunatics. If I ever got a License to Kill and could do in anyone I wanted, I’d watch this show and off the shitty fucking human beings I see on it every week. Fuck, this show makes me angry.
  • Jersey Shore, Real Housewives of Wherever, Shit like that – It’s honestly not the people on these shows that I find repulsive. Idiots are really fucking easy to find. It’s the people who watch them that make me angry. They are the reason this shit gets made. If you watch it, IT’S YOUR GODDAMN FAULT THAT WE’RE SPENDING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON NARCISSISTS AND ALLOWING THEM TO POLLUTE HUMAN HISTORY. It’s your fault. I hate you. Or at least that part of you.
  • Any Show Featuring Large Families – Pick one. What a great idea. “Hey, honey, we’re poor. What say I knock you up 15 times OR we get fertility drugs to have 86 children at once so we can get on TV and become “stars”. I’mma tossin’ out the condoms!” These are just depressing to me.
  • Dancing With the Stars – First off, “stars” is a little misleading here, if you’re including Chazz Bono, one of those I Had A Lot Of Kids people, and other people who are peripherally “famous” at all. Then, watching them dance? Uh, OK. That sounds, uh, awesome. I can’t wait for Macrame with the Stars, Mopping with the Stars, Shuffleboard with the Stars, and Pattycake with the Stars. And don’t give me the whole “The dancers are hot and outfits are skimpy” argument, guys. You have the internet. Go find porn.
  • Cop shows – I’ve enjoyed a lot of cop shows over the years. I just don’t understand why there are so many shows revolving around cops and lawyers and all that shit. When was the last time you saw a cop and thought, “awesome! I can’t wait to see what he does!” I’ll answer: Never. Why? Because you’re too busy going over every action you’ve taken in the last hour that could possibly get you pulled over or ticketed or arrested. And yet at any given moment there is a cop show on TV. Law enforcement has got to be one of the most tedious jobs on the planet. It’s a non-stop barrage of cases that take months or years to deal with. Of course, in TV Land, that becomes a late afternoon of Twists and Turns and Shouty Voices and Drawn Guns and Case Closed. There is a cubic shitload of cop shows out there for some reason. Just don’t understand why there are SO MANY. They are all essentially EXACTLY THE SAME.
  • Cake Boss – “I’m a Tony Soprano wanna-be with a stupid fucking accent. Wanna watch me bake cakes?” No, actually I don’t. Nor do I know why anyone would.
  • Food porn cooking shows – I love a good cooking show, like Good Eats. I can learn something, like how easy pan-roasting and making a nice wine sauce is and can replicate and delight my beautiful bride. Those shows are awesome. The ones I don’t get is when some toothy freak like Giada de Laurentiis (It’s 2 i’s for Intensely Irritating!) is making some ridiculous shit without directions and using ingredients like shaved truffles and Bulimian Red Snapped Squid that no one can get, and the camera is doing all these close-ups of food being laid into a thin layer of hot oil so it makes an over-exaggerated TSHHHHHHH sound and eggs whipping and shit like that in some pristine fucking kitchen in some oceanside villa that these assholes can afford because of all the advertising dollars and shitty pots-and-pans sets these celebrity chef douches hock for ridiculous sums of money by making the average schmuck like me believe that I need a fucking crepe pan and bi-handled twizzling rooters in order to cook. I keep waiting to see the classic behind-the-balls camera angle while I watch these shows. It’s not just Giada’s show (Barefoot Contessa, 80 billion shows on the Cooking Channel, Tyler Forence, pick ’em), but she frightens me the most, especially when she’s smiling crazily at her husband or daughter and I’m just waiting for her jaw to split and her second set of huge-ass chompers to come flying out to tear off their horrifed faces. It’s coming. Just you wait.

So what about you? Anything on TV you just don’t understand or that sends you into a frenzied conniption when you see it advertised?

About Alan Edwards

An indie writer who does accounting full-time on the side.

Posted on October 7, 2011, in Rantin' and Bitchin' and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. I look at Ghost Hunters as being like any other reality show — mostly fiction. The point isn’t whether or or not there really are ghosts or the supernatural, but how much drama you can create out of nothing (another reality show staple). It’s essentially a campfire spook story with a budget and night-vision goggles.

    Funny that you mention Tosh.0, which is high on the list of my least favorite programs. Hats off to them for making a Youtube clip show viable, though, I guess.

    • Yeah. Tosh.0 shouldn’t be funny, honestly, but since I enjoy his comedy routine it works well for me. Plus it saves me from ever having to go on to YouTube myself.

  2. Me and my friends watch Giada de Laurentiis every once and awhile, cause we watch a lot of the Food Network at home. Usually we yell at the screen throughout “Yeah, you add that onion you dirty girl. Spoon some of that up, yeah lick that spoon. You lick it. You lick it good.” It continues on from there.

    We had a discussion about creating a campaign world where the Food Network stars would be a pantheon of gods. You have Julia Childs the Earthmother, Chairman Kaga from Iron Chef would be like the Zeus of the Pantehon. You have Alton Brown who would be the god of knowledge and magic. Bobby Flay would be the patron god of douchebags, Emeril would be worships by fire evokers, it sorta writes itself.

    • I love that idea. Every bit of it. ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY KAGA!

      • And it writes itself so well, you see we’re probably in the second age of the Food Network gods at this moment, as Kaga was likely slain in some sort of Kung Fu duel and now his portfolio has been taken by his son, and Julia Childs also passed away. Her portfolio was likely usurped by that bitch Rachel Ray.

  3. Your “Tiara” commentary was thoroughly awesome, and confirms my vehement desire never to lay eyes on network television again.

    I don’t watch any of this shit. We download everything to our Boxee – yay, Boxee! That equates to Archer, Frisky Dingo, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Squidbillies, and…that’s about it. I refuse to watch reality drivel – I have enough reality to last me three lifetimes.

    • I will never get the Reality Era on TV, since it’s just as fake as everything else and the acting is even worse.

      I’d never heard of Boxee, so I decided to Google it – it sounds pretty freakin’ cool.

  4. You the man. Bravo on this, on all of this.

    I watch exactly 4 shows right now: Person of Interest (which is awesome), Castle (which all writers should watch), Modern Family (cuz it’s damn funny), and Free Agents (same). None of the other crap out there is worth my time.

    When I had Food Nertwork, I watched Good Eats and Iron Chef America, because so far as I was concerned it was the Alton Brown Network.

    • I keep wanting to see Castle, but somehow have never gotten around to it. I need like a boxed set or something. Modern Family surprised the hell out of me the first time I saw it – it’s the first sit-com in a long time that has absolutely made me laugh. It’s really, really good. Plus I love Al Bundy.

      Iron Chef America rocks. And I think the Alton Brown Network would make me the happiest guy, like, ever.

  5. I absolutely love the ancient aliens or alternate history shows. They are pure comedy for me. I especially love that guy who’s name i can’t freaking remember but his hair has gotten extremely crazy over the years. It’s like watching a chia pet grow. And he’s always so damn excited. 😀

    As for reality shows, who in the world thinks that if a camera is following someone around they are going to act normal? You either get extreme censorship or showboating. There’s no middle ground.

    I will not say the name of that child abuse show. Put some of those fat cow bitch mothers up to be judged. I’d watch that.

    • I couldn’t agree with you more on that last point.

      The sheer earnestness of the people on the Ancient Aliens show is pretty darn endearing. I can just picture them going into their spiel during every cocktail party and dinner with friends, and everybody’s eyes start glazing over and they start checking their watches and suddenly realize they left their microwaves plugged in and dash for the door.

      • As a fat cow, a bitch, and a mother (while not always at the same time) I’d volunteer to be the evil judge. FOR FREE. >:E

        I’m fascinated with all sorts of conspiracy crap. Not because I believe it, but just because it’s so gawddamn awesomely bizzare. Much love to the insane people of the world. Without them, there would be no spice in life. Reality is just too fucked up to be funny enough, most of the time. 😉

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