Time to Enter the Nerd Confessional

I’ve mentioned quite a few times on this blog how much of a nerd I am. I am not ashamed of this. I can sit at a table in the middle of a restaurant while everyone I’m with disclaims loudly about LARPing or playfighting or tabletopping without wanting to die (Just barely. Seriously, not one of my favorite things, but I’ve gotten a little better at handling it.) The purpose of this post in no way indicates my need to seek absolution for being a nerd, because I don’t really care what general society thinks of my hobbies.

However, nerd society itself is big on shaming those that don’t share every geeky interest there is. Admonishments about how “you HAVE to watch this” or “what do you MEAN you don’t like this” or “how can you say the new Battlestar Galactica is a pathetic uninspired piece of shit that resembles more of a random Cylon-of-the-Week generator and whose main premise seems to revolve around the idea that LOOK STARBUCK IS A GIRL!” run rampant whenever geeks collide. Many of us nerds carry our opinions proudly and defend them vociferously. Others hide the things they hate lest they get besieged with long-winded arguments and belittled by someone with uncontrollable flatulence. They just nod knowingly but silently during the conversations regarding the things they dislike.

I fall into both camps. In general, my apathy (my third superpower) wins out over any desire to strongly express an opinion about anything to argue with another nerd about geek stuff, and my desire to get along with people means that I’ll happily seem interested in whatever thing they want to talk about. But seriously, if you use “frack” in conversation as a substitute curse word, you’re a tool.

Anyway, I’ve decided to come clean on some nerdy things I don’t like. I’m not sure I hate them (see: Superpower 3 – Apathy), but for many people the simple act of not really liking something is an act akin to supporting Vichy France. We nerds can be touchy. And I’m not excusing myself. Diss on Mass Effect or Skyrim or Firefly or Conan the Barbarian (original movie) or Marvel comics (specifically until 1992 or so, since a lot of ass has happened after that which is unforgivable. Fucking Clone Saga.) and I’m liable to get pretty snooty and uppity and use the word “Philistine” for some reason. But now is the time for me to confess my disdain for some of the Nerdy Touchstones. I’m not seeking forgiveness or absolution or anything. I’m just coming clean. Hopefully the rest of us can do the same and clear the air.

Here are some things I don’t like.

Oh, yeah, definitely. That looks GREAT.

The Legend of Zelda

I am fucking sick of hearing about this game. I played the NES way back when it first came out, so don’t tell me that I had to be there. I was there. Chances are, the Link fans out there just creaming themselves anytime Peter Pan’s less-masculine cousin makes an appearance weren’t old enough, or alive, to play the original Zelda. I did. I hated it. I hated everything about it. I still do. Every new shitty-looking installment of that lame-ass franchise makes me grit my teeth as I listen to the fanboys and fangirls rave about whatever stupid bullshit is supposed to be good about that game. Seriously, fuck Zelda, fuck Link, and fuck the entire franchise. If I want to play an RPG, I don’t want it to look like a fucking episode of My Little Pony with increased pixelation.

Diablo

I played Diablo back in the day. “In the day” was the time when there wasn’t a whole shitload of variety in games and most weren’t any good (it was 1997, to be exact). My wife and I played Diablo together, going through the dungeons underneath the town, smashing barrels and crates and whatever while chopping through skeletons and demons and whatnot. It was fun in its way and for its time, getting gear and porting back to town. The music, especially in town, was haunting and, dare I say (I think I dare!) beautiful. I even used that music as part of the background mood stuff for a particularly dark and strange adventure when I ran my Marvel Super Heroes tabletop game. Those of us who played Diable recognized it instantly, and it was a good time.

So why is Diablo on the list? Because in 2000, Diablo II came out. My wife and I had enjoyed it, so I picked it up. Hey! This’ll be fun! But it wasn’t. It was fucking boring as all hell. More barrels! More crates! More endless waves of monsters that engender a great big I don’t give a fuck response! YAY! There were new classes that let you fight the exact same things with a slightly different way to click the mouse button! Awesome! I played Diablo II for maybe a grand total of 16 hours before I gave up entirely. I didn’t like it, didn’t hate it, just wasn’t for me. It wasn’t enough to make me care at all. So, again, why is on this list? Because 12 fucking years after Diablo II came out, they have released Diablo III. People are fucking spooging over a game franchise with the development cycle-time of Duke Nukem. There are hordes of people excited by the prospect of Diablo III. I cannot fathom this. “But the loot is so cool!” they exclaim. OK. Whatever. Have fun. Just don’t expect me to give a shit or have a conversation about it.

In Gotham City there is no sun. If you want color, you have to set something on fire.

The Dark Knight Batman Movies

Holy fuck am I sick of the Christopher Nolan Batman movies. From the stupid chunky Batmobile with the absurd fucking tires to Christian Bale “acting” (dark and broody is really hard to pull off) and all the grim-and-gritty bullshit – I’m sick of all of it. Every bit. The Dark Knight was an interesting graphic novel, very different in tone from comics of the day. We get it now. Comic characters can be grim. So fucking unrelentingly grim that trying to endure watching their grim escapades under a gritty cloudy sky and grim pollution-choked streets and gritty hopeless undercurrent of poverty and desperation makes you long for one of Batman’s fucking ridiculously stupid array of dumbass nonsensical villains (seriously, Batman’s lineup of archenemies makes Blue Streak and the Ringmaster look cool) to actually nuke Gotham City into fucking orbit so it can form a giant black hole of angst and leave me alone.

I’m so happy The Avengers beat the living shit out of the box office. I hope it signals a return to the concept that comic book movies can take place during the fucking daylight. They are even making the new Spider-Man movie all grim and gritty. Fuck you for that, Dark Knight. And I like Batman. I just happen to prefer the World’s Greatest Detective to The Dark Knight interpretation. And for the record, I don’t give a shit about Heath Ledger, either.

Yeah, that looks great. Can I play “Adventure” now?

Minecraft

I read and watch a lot of stuff about video games. Because I’m a nerd. So I am constantly bombarded with people talking about Minecraft. Minecraft is an open-world game that allows its players to build shit out of big blocks and looks like something that would have been awesome to play on my Atari 2600. It hearkens back to the days of 16-bit graphics that were better left as something to be fuzzily remembered. Holy shit this thing looks like ass. It’s referred to as “nostalgic” and “chunky” and “old-school”. It’s ass. I am not interested in technology that looks 30 years old.

Anything to Do with Star Trek other than the Original Series

Seriously, everything that doesn’t involve William Shatner bores the ever-living fuck out of me. Way to make intergalactic war and space ships and lasers and shit lame and uninteresting.

There. I feel better. Gotten that off my chest. So how about you? What are the things that your friends and compatriots feel like you have to love that you actually hate or just don’t care for?

About Alan Edwards

An indie writer who does accounting full-time on the side.

Posted on May 9, 2012, in Rantin' and Bitchin' and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 44 Comments.

  1. Jen Kirchner

    Since we’ve entered TEH NERD CONFESSIONAL, I should state for the record that I’ve never played any Zelda game. My husband loves them. I don’t get it. The elf dude looks like a chick and the princess chick he’s in love with is an idiot? Sorry. You lost me right there.

    As for Diablo… OMGWTFBBQ?????

    Just kidding, you’re absolutely right.

    A few weeks ago, the D3 stress test ran for a weekend and I played it. And wow, what a nice strong offering from Blizzard. New classes mixed with the standard staple classes, along with a slight deviation from talent trees. However, I declined from blogging about the game because, in the end, it’s $60 dollars and the same Diablo. Now, a lot of people like that. I actually spoke with a few people on Twitter who said they were glad they didn’t change much. They WANT the same. That’s why they turned over some exciting new classes, but kept wizard. Wizard is a boring staple, but some people want that. They want the same.

    Unfortunately, I don’t share that opinion. If you’re going to charge me $60, that game better be a genre changer, phat lewts should fall from the freaking sky, and someone brings you free pizza so you can sit in your chair and get fat while you play (/pizza!). Don’t get me wrong — I think D3 is a very strong offering, but for that price I can’t be happy with more of the same. If that’s the argument, I’d rather play Torchlight II. T2 has all new classes, multiplayer capabilities, and is only $20. (And hell, if you give it a month, Steam will probably run a sale and you can get it for $10 – 15.)

    P.S. Your Batman and Star Trek rants makes me proud to call you my friend. LOL

    • Jen Kirchner

      “it’s $60 dollars”. Haha, this is why my husband proofreads everything I put on the internet. I’m going to have to ask him to start proofing my comments, too. LOL

      • Alan Edwards

        You’re totally forgiven for that. I’ve already gone back 3 times to fix stuff in the post that’s wrong. Heh.

    • Alan Edwards

      Woot! I figured my Batman confession especially would be the one most likely to cause everyone to stare blankly at me and back away slowly.

      Part of me can see WHY Diablo lovers want it exactly the same as before. If you loved…that then I can see why you’d want whatever it was made you like it. But I like your part about it being 60 bucks. Has enough changed to make it worth 60 bucks? If they took Diablo II and slapped a new graphics engine on it and called it a day, would people be happy? Probably. I don’t get the love that Blizzard gets in general though. I also don’t like WoW, Warcraft, and Starcraft, either.

      And when you DO have an option like torchlight, why flock back to Diablo? I guess because for some people, Diablo is enough to charge a premium for. Meh.

      • I refused to ever watch those Batman movies, so I didn’t even flinch when I read your review.

        But I loved Bale in American Psycho. I like him dark, but the genre didn’t need Bale, IMHO.

        And Diablo…was just repetetive and annoying. Meh.

  2. I love you, you know that, but…. but… Trek… you had to bring up my beloved Star Trek? Meh. I agree with you that some of the post-Kirk stuff was ass but everything… nope… we can agree to disagree because I love you.

  3. My son plays Minecraft. He’s 8. I fucking hate that game. I prefer it when he wants to play Halo even though it’s bloody and he’s too young for it. Just. Because. It’s. Not. Minecraft.

    I never got LARP. Sorry. I mean I gamed, sure, but the investment in props and the play fighting, I mean, seriously, WTF. Rarely did I see LARPers who were even fit enough to run, let alone ‘play fight’. I did all night sessions with pizza and cola and d20’s rolling like mad. I loved Call of Cthulu — not a surprise to anyone. Also, in Vampire: the Masquerade I played a Malkavian…i.e. psychotic vamp. I pretty much ruined the game for everyone else by creating constant bloodbaths, but I was the token chick player, so they didn’t get rid of me. HAHAHA. So uh, the need for GM’s to have everything plotted out and under control, it was a nerd pet peeve. Rarely did I find a GM who was creative enough to handle me as a player. They had these set paths and I never did the right thing. So I stopped live gaming, in the end, because the GM’s I had were boring. I don’t begrudge others their fun, I bet they have awesome GM’s.

    Also, I used BBS’s during dialup days. I mention this and people pretend not to know what I’m talking about. So either people don’t remember, or I was some sort of child genius. I’m thinking everyone else 40’ish is just using a neural block. 😛

    There you go. Haz nerd confessions. 😉

    • Alan Edwards

      I’ve talked before about the LARP with fighting and airsoft guns and Infected and stuff, and not EVERY LARPer is a giant ball of sweat and Doritos. So I will defend the boffer-style game nowadays as a lot of fun.

      I loved the days of Cthulhu and Vampire tabletopping. Good times. I was a Ventrue in a Dark Ages campaign that was a freaking blast. /pushes up glasses

      And I remember running a SERIOUS bill at my friend’s house playing Gemstone on a BBS. Ganking newbs with a rogue. What fun. Boy did he get in trouble.

      • Oh, see, I’d have to witness that style of LARP. I bet I could google it… HAHAHA. Anyway.

        Ventrue, eh? That was a kickin’ universe to play within. I think at con’s they still do.

        And it’s classic you ran up the bill at your friend’s house. Bad newt! I had a local dialup and then just hopped through the network until I found something I wanted to play. Funny, guys always thought I was a guy, pretending to be a girl, not actually a girl. THEN I learned about creepers, and pretended to be a guy. Cause you know, what *girl* would be on dial up? Asshats. haha.

        • Alan Edwards

          You will find lots of things to laugh at and judge if you do Google it. It’s cool. I do that from time to time myself.

      • I can’t believe I just accidentally found someone I know who played GS…..

    • Jen Kirchner

      “Also, in Vampire: the Masquerade I played a Malkavian…”

      This is why we’re friends. /forehead L

  4. You crack me up.

    You hold too much hate, boy. Dark Knight, seriously? Sorry, can’t go with you on that one. Chris Nolan is brilliant. Every other version of Batman can suck it. And I gotta say that Kirk is my LEAST favorite Star Trek captain. Yeah. I said it. All I can see is fat Shatner, with his toupee and dementia and ego the size of a Buick (to match his trousers).

    But I could give a fuck about Zelda or Diablo, so I’m with you there.

    I feel inadequate. I actually tried to think of “geek loves” that I don’t share with everyone else…and I can’t. I have some stuff I haven’t seen (we’ve already discussed by lack of exposure to Red Dwarf, which makes me a dork, apparently), or stuff I don’t get as frothingly ape-shit excited about as others do (like the 66 million different Dr. Who’s), but I find I don’t vehemently, angrily…oh, wait. Transformers. Michael Bay. Do those count?

    Fuck that guy with a barbed umbrella dipped in lemon juice. Shia Lebouf should be skinned, covered with chili sauce and locked in a small closet with a grizzly bear on PCP.

    Okay, fine, so I *can* hate. It’s just been a while. Heh.

    • Alan Edwards

      Yeah, a lot of people hold a lot of love for Nolan’s Batman stuff. It’s not awful, I just don’t like them. I mean, seriously, is there ever a nice summer day in Gotham when people walk on the street and just say hi and hang out in the park, or are they always too busy warming themselves by an iron barrel fire? But I can see why people dig ’em. It’s all good.

      And hating on the Transformer movies is PERFECTLY acceptable. I can’t believe that there are actual human beings that like them or Michael Bay.

      • [phew] I’ve come to firmly believe that all hate must be Alan approved. You own the World Heavyweight for Rants, my friend. =D

        And to enhance my further statement: Michael Bay should be raped by pygmies, followed by a chainsaw enema. It’s amazing how easy it is to hate that guy.

  5. BY THE GODS OF KOBUL, FRAK YOU ALAN EDWARDS. Frak you and the…ok.

    I hate Christopher Nolan. And Christian Bale. The idea that he will talk about “his” Batman Universe, and what will and will not be acceptable in his universe drives me up the fucking wall. YOU DO NOT OWN BATMAN. YOU MADE SEMI ACCEPTABLE GRIMDARK MOVIES, AND BATMAN IS REALLY COOL, SO PEOPLE WENT TO SEE THEM. Fuck him in his overly tight ass. Also Christian Bale’s gritty Batman accent makes me want to throw something everytime I hear it.

    Diablo is boring as shit AND EXPENSIVE now. They barely have upgraded the game (besides graphics) in the 20 or so goddamn years since it first came out. My friends all asked me if I was going to get it and I was like “Torchlight is 1/4 the price, the same exact game, and they don’t have restrictive DRM on it.” Yeah Torchlight gets boring as hell too, but at least I only spent 20 bucks on that playing it with my friends after I get bored.

    Star Trek is the sole reason I did not watch Sci-Fi for several decades. I didn’t watch Star Wars till the 90s, cause I had seen some Star Trek and assumed that spoke for the entirety of science fiction. I only recently saw Battlestar Galactica. I’m sort of starting to watch Stargate…again all because I lumped it all with Star Trek…which is boring and shitty.

    My friends play Minecraft…I refuses to even acknowledge it exists. I have more important things to do…like play League of Legends.

    As right as you are on the other topics YOUR HERESY AGAINST ZELDA WILL NOT STAND!

    Well, actually I enjoyed the games I played (Zelda, Zelda II, the gameboy ones, the SNES one, and the N64 one) but eventually realized Nintendo just sells you the same shitty titles over and over again trying to draw a profit off your nostalgia from the 80s. I only own one Nintendo game system at the moment…and that’s because they still have me hooked on Pokemon. Some shitty franchises I can’t let go…

    ;_;

    • Alan Edwards

      I just have to say that this response was awesome. I should get you to ghost-write my blog when I don’t feel like it.

      • You should just host some youtube show where you have different guests on and we all just bitch about the various state of things Stadtler and Waldorf style.

        • Alan Edwards

          THAT is the best idea I’ve heard all day. It’s brilliant. Drinks and bitching about stuff. I could get behind that. I’ve been trying to figure out a vlog concept for a while now.

          • The MST3K of HATE, with Beer. ❤

          • Alan Edwards

            That would make a great tagline.

          • We should never disagree, we except on how much we actually hate it. “You know what I hate about blah blah blah…”, countered by “Well, you know what? I HATE IT MORE. Mainly because of blah blah blah blah…”, countered by “There is no way you could hate it anymore then me, blah blah blah”.

          • Alan Edwards

            I agree. One-upping the hate should be allowed, but debating whether it’s hateable is right out.

    • Alan Edwards

      Oh, and every Batman movie needs to retire the lame voice Batman uses. He sounds like a phone pervert.

  6. And Starbuck’s a girl? WHAT?

    She had bigger balls then Adama…and those are GIANT BOUNCY BALLS.

  7. Shawn Fitzpatrick

    *in his best Raspy voice* I could not AGREE more about all that except the diablo. Every now and then it’s good to unplug brain and go on a random spree of oh look Violence!

    • Alan Edwards

      I definitely have go-to mindless fun. My carpal tunnel syndrome can’t make one of those choices Diablo, heh.

  8. Firstly, I would say I prefer the term “geek” to the term “nerd”. I’m not entirely sure why, but I would guess it’s because “nerd” has a “school age” connotation and hearkens back to my high school days.

    I feel like I also lock myself into my own niches within our little, pre-existing niche culture, so I find myself frequently less aware of, and would certainly not consider myself qualified to name, what’s considered touchstones.

    About what you’ve listed, I played the first few Zeldas and enjoyed them, but I haven’t felt like the series has evolved at all, and I’m a more discerning audience now. Diablo I never played at all. I couldn’t say I dislike it, but I never got into it. I think when it first came out, one of the talking points was that you could play with friends, which didn’t really suit my anti-social behavior. I’m fairly indifferent to the Dark Knight movies. I only saw the first one, and it was decent enough, but obviously didn’t inspire to see the others. When I first read “Minecraft”, my mind actually registered “Minesweeper”, and I thought “wow, I never thought that was a big deal”. So, ya, I’m fairly ignorant about Minecraft. So, for all that, I wouldn’t say I have any kind of active dislike, I’m just indifferent.

    That probably is my biggest “sin” of geekdom, that I’m kind of “meh” about a lot of things. For instance, Joss Whedon appears to be a huge deal in the geekverse, and I’m mostly indifferent about him. I generally enjoy what I see of his, but I don’t really follow him. Another example is I never even really bothered with Battlestar Galactica. Also, I never really got into comic books when I was younger, so while others get excited (or not) about whatever comic book based movie is coming out (and opinionated), I’m fairly indifferent. That “take or leave it” attitude makes me not really get the whole emotional arguments over various things, but at the same time, I’m sure I’ve done it at some point. I was at a Tracy Hickman panel at Dragoncon praising old school roleplaying and lamenting the tendency to get too focused on rules with today’s systems, which is a bit different but the one example of taking a side in a “geek” argument that I came up with. Get those darn kids off our well landscaped lawn (of roleplaying)!

    The only one I would have an opinion would be Star Trek. I enjoyed The Next Generation quite a bit, and Deep Space Nine had its moments as well. I wouldn’t argue that someone HAS to like them though. For a while after I stopped watching them, I began to think maybe I just enjoyed them because I was younger, but I’ve rewatched some of it fairly recently, and I do think they hold up. I will also admit that I enjoyed the recent Star Trek reboot. In general, I think rebooting is a cheap approach and unnecessary, but I guess I was able to ignore canonical problems and get a kick out of it on its own sake.

    /end ramble

  9. My kids play Minecraft. I have no idea what that is. I too enjoy the original Star Trek best, but I also got into TNG. The others, I couldn’t care less about. I initially dug the Galactica reboot but never made it to the end because it just got too fucking stupid. I think for the *most* part, I’m in line with you on this shit, my twinsie. 😉

  10. You all are fucking nerd fags

  11. I’ll show that guy some nerd fags. Bring it. Anyways, lemme be on that show you gonna have surfer man.

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