Dear Aravan: Your Questions, Answered

One of the best parts about having a blog is getting to see how people end up there. On a daily basis, I know how many people reached here by clicking a link on Facebook or Twitter or a different website, but the absolute best section is the Search Terms section. This tells you the weird and wonderful things people have typed into Google and somehow ended up on your site. Some things, like “bob harper” searches, are a natural fit with the blog and so it’s no surprise to get 400 or more varieties of searches in that vein in a 3 month period. Those things are fit perfectly.

It’s the other stuff that I love, though. The things that just don’t seem to be a natural fit whatsoever. They are the absolute best.

So I got an idea: why not take these bizarre and incongruous searches and turn them into a Question and Answer format, along with my most frequent searches? And when I say I “got” the idea, I mean I stole it, completely and unabashedly, from the awesome Candice Bundy. If you like dry humor with a twisting edge (and if you don’t, then what the fuck are you reading this for, anyway?), then you need to read her stuff. She’s even cool in person! (We’ve met, you see. We discussed writing in a bon vivant manner with our devil-may-care attitudes and poignant bon mots and bonded over a rational fear of scuba diving. Also, I was very drunk and may have just been shouting quotes from Revenge of the Nerds all night while she patiently put up with me.) So, here are the questions that you, the world, have asked me, and I will answer them as best I can.

What Walking Dead Episode do they find Sophia?

HOLY FUCK do I get asked this a lot. 112 times since June 1st, to be exact, in a variety of forms and grammatical structures. The answer is YES, she is found, and it’s in Episode 7 of Season 2, entitled “Pretty Much Dead Already”. I wish I could see the faces of those people who ask this innocent question and get a full faceblast of hate from my episode 7 review.

how many calories do u burn during a bob harper dvd?

Well, I don’t know about “u” (seriously, you’re typing in an 11-word search into Google, but the idea of adding the y and o to you is just TOO MUCH WORK?! If you’re that fucking lazy, you’re asking the wrong question, unless you expect the answer to be “zero”), but I generally burn approximately 400 calories from the Yoga for the Warrior and each individual Bob’s Workout, 600 from the Pure Burn and Beginners’ Workout, 600 to 700 during the Kettlebell workouts, and 700 to 800 during the Body Rev, Ultimate Cardio, and Total Body Transformation workouts. I got these readouts from 2 different heart monitors and the results were consistent over several months. So there you go. My wife had essentially the same results as well.

lay on couch to lift weights and lose weight

Ummm, yeah. I’m gonna go ahead and say this probably is not going to work out too well for you in the long run. I mean, it’s better than just laying on the couch, sure, but not by much.

what the fuck is peter jackson’s poblem

I wish I knew what his poblem is. I also wish I knew what a poblem was. Now, as to Peter Jackson’s problem, that’s a trickier one. I think that he’s a gifted enough filmmaker that he feels like it’s perfectly OK to fuck around with a story he didn’t write because it will translate better to the audience. I happen to think he’s completely fucking wrong and The Hobbit looks like utter shit because he’s determined to bloat the story with unnecessary filler and he doesn’t give a fuck because he directed a money-printing franchise and people are going to pay uber-dollars to see his bloated carcass of an excellent children’s book because he is a giant asshole. That’s his problem.

The combined weight would cause a black hole, you see.

kids demand shit

I assume this is meant figuratively, because if they’re demanding actual shit then you have a very cheap alternative to stocking stuffers this year for Xmas. If your children are constantly demanding things other than feces and it’s driving you insane, I have a simple solution: don’t have any, so you can be a smug DINK and laugh at other peoples’ problems. If it’s too late for that, HAHAHAHAHA I’m sorry, what were you saying again?

is loosing weight good for you brain

Loose the bonds that hold you back! Anyway, I would guess that losing weight is good for self-esteem and building confidence, if that’s what you mean. If you’re asking if it’s good for neurons and synapses and cerebrospinal fluid, then I’m going to recommend that you not turn to a blog entitled “Me and My Shovel” for the answers you seek.

are those some goddamn footed pajamas

They better not be, goddamnit! There is a zero-tolerance policy in place for footed pajamas around these here parts.

is shagging bad if you want to lose weight or strength training

Absolutely. Any activity that increases your heart rate, feel-good hormone production, and feelings of satisfaction and well-being are clearly terrible for you. Seriously, shagging is the #1 reason to lose weight and strength train. Any pumped-up dickbag that suggests that sex inhibits athletic performance is only saying that because steroids shrunk his testicles to the size of a gnat’s ass 20 years ago and he doesn’t want anyone else to get any either. The more sex you have, the more weight you’ll lose, and the more sex you’ll have. This is a winning scenario. If it wasn’t, then the Olympic Village wouldn’t go through 100 million condoms during an eight-week period.

what do shovels do in skyrim

Absolutely fucking nothing. They take up inventory space. There is no use for them. Unless new DLC introduces gardening, in which case I’ll let you know.

some people really do deserve a pat on the head… with a fucking shovel!!

This is not a question, but it is a reasonable worldview and indicates a healthy outlook on the human race.

what is therm for deliberate inocrrect grammar use?

Irony.

do allen edwards shoes run big or small

My shoes run 10-1/2. Pretty consistently. If you are a 10-1/2, my shoes will fit you, guaranteed.

i shit myself fail

I recommend a good sturdy adult diaper. And possibly therapy.

i care about everyone but no one cares about me

Do what I did in the same situation: become a bitter, isolated loner who spurns any attempts from other people to speak or interact with you until everyone thinks you’re the world’s biggest asshole and so leaves you completely and utterly alone and helps you perpetuate the idea that no one cares about you. That’ll show ’em.

gen con 2012 stormtrooper kilt

Fuck that guy. Seriously. I’m not even a Star Wars fan anymore and I say fuck that guy.

the weight of your brain

On average, 2.8 to 3 pounds for an adult. I have yet to successfully weigh my own brain, but I’m still working on it.

can pregnant people shovel rocks?

I’m gonna go ahead and say yes. Should they? Well, that’s an entirely different question, and if you’re the kind of person who’s gonna risk a pregnancy based on random answers you find on the Internet, then I bet that either I’m gonna see you in a year or so in a movie theater with your loud annoying infant, or you won’t be pregnant after a little while.

forever lazy redskins

Don’t I know it.

снэйк плисскен

He’s pretty bad ass.

gencon fucking

From what I’ve seen, this is the answer to the question, “What are 99% of the gamers in Indianapolis during early August not having a shot in hell of doing?”

breastfeeding and my tits

Seriously, I got this 3 times in a 3-month period. I’m gonna take a shot in the dark and answer what I think this is asking: Sag City.

dirty gencon 2011 photos

For fuck’s sake, dude, there is so much free pornography on the Internet. Handle your business.

snake plissken vs chuck norris

Snake Plissken.

best pizza in bear de

Dominick’s Pizza, hands down.

gen con fat dudes

Now that you mention it, there were some people at GenCon who could stand to drop a pound or two. So I guess the answer to this is “yes”.

don’t eat salad

Duly noted.

snl musical guest female singer w/ clogs

I have to admit, I’m completely stumped on this one. Also, I hate clogs. They’re like flip-flops, only louder.

which bob harper workout is harder inside outside cardio or ultimate cardio

Depends. If you hate doing swings, then Inside Out’s Cardio Conditioning will kill you. If you hate lunges, Ultimate Cardio will kill you. Either way, you are going to get the everloving shit beaten out of you.

zombies for christ

I will not be baited into a screed. It was close, though. You almost got me.

getting ready self reflection

I recommend a mirror.

what car does shane drive in walking dead

Watch the show for 5 minutes. You’ll see a close-up of the car at least 9 times in that span.

aravan and man fucking

Wow. Seriously? That’s been searched and ended up here 3 times in less than 3 months. Whoever you are, I wish you luck in finding whatever the fuck it is you’re looking for. I promise you, it will not be found here.

redskins fucked

This has pretty much been the case for years. Decades. I’m sincerely hoping that this is changing. RGIII! RGIII! RGIII!

Feel free to post your own burning questions in the comments.

About Alan Edwards

An indie writer who does accounting full-time on the side.

Posted on August 30, 2012, in Kerfluffle and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. I laughed so hard I had coffee coming out of my nose. Thank you, Sir.

    P.S. I doubt you’ll be able to chase me off. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me as a buddy for life even if that means I’m like Bill Murray in “What About Bob” and I keep showing up at your house because I believe we’re BFF’s and you just want me to drown and put you out of my misery. My apologies in advance.

  2. OMFG This is sooooo much funnier than mine, I love it! Glad you stole the idea. 🙂

    what the fuck is peter jackson’s poblem — So true…

    the Olympic Village wouldn’t go through 100 million condoms during an eight-week period. — I did not know that, but thank you for enlightening me.

    aravan and man fucking — LMFAO. No seriously, my coworkers just think I gained a personality or something. You could have given a warning on that one!!! Geebus… Yeah, I had some choice ones too, but I didn’t post the gory details. There’s a big pr0n market out there, clearly, and ALL the names are taken. #sadly

    rock on. 🙂

    • And now you know, and knowing is half the battle! Although to be fair that number may not be 100% accurate. Or .01% accurate.

      I was saving that other one for the end, but it just sitting there made me uncomfortable, so I found another one to close on. And that’s pretty much how I reacted the first time I saw it.

  3. Holy shit. I just died laughing. Thanks, Alan. Now I get to stalk you all zombie-like and eat your face off.

    And I think I want “what do shovels do in skyrim” to be my new signature.

  4. ‘aravan and man fucking’. HAHAHAHAHAHA… uh…. nope… wrong guy. I can attest to that =P

  5. If Aravan was a laundry detergent…..any laundry detergent in the world, which would he be?

  6. Can I borrow your shoes the next time I see you? I’ll trade you mine.

  7. Thanks for the tip from the 2nd from the bottom. Totally what I’ll use in a pinch to find your blog.

  1. Pingback: The World Really Wants to Know About Sophia « Me and My Shovel

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