I Want You To Write My Novel For Free (Updated with FAQ)
It’s a win-win, right? You do the writing, I copy and paste it, slap my name on the cover, and pay you in those most priceless of gifts, an Acknowledgement and a death in print! (It’s priceless, you see, because I will not be paying you in actual money in any way, therefore having no price for me whatsoever.) I mean, who could pass up a deal like that? You won’t find a better one – well, at least maybe a more honest one – in town!
OK, so now this is where I explain that I haven’t gone completely off the deep end, thereby invalidating the prize for everyone who had April 17th 2013 in the pool for Yep, Alan’s Finally Snapped and Needs a Burly Escort to the Rubber Room.
So I’m working on this book, right, you might know about it, called Waiting on the Dead, a modern-day darkly humorous zombie story about the end of the world and all that jazz as seen through the eyes of a shiftless and lazy waiter. Swear to god, I’m working on it. Anyway, in that story, the writer and probably crazy protagonist makes a habit of collecting zombie diaries that other, now-dead people have written. In it, he includes little snippets of those found diaries along with the name of the deceased to illustrate a point or highlight something darkly funny or ironic or heartrendingly tragic or whatever. It doesn’t matter. Go nuts. The point is, the waiter’s memoir of the apocalypse includes other people’s diaries.
That’s where you come in.
What I’m looking for are people willing to write an entry or a snippet of an entry or an entire by-God diary and send it to me. In return, I will use some of what you wrote, acknowledge you by name in the story (or whatever pseudonym you prefer), describe how you died (and if you have a preference, let me know), and include you in a special section of the Acknowledgements of the book that no one but you and maybe my immediate family will read. And pay you NOTHING. Let me reiterate: you will not receive one thin dime for doing it while I sit back and rake in the royalties, because that’s the kinda guy I am.
Seriously though, if you’re interested, send me a message through my Author Facebook Page (click here if you didn’t see that you could click on where I typed Author Facebook Page in order to do this) with your entry and any preferences for your death scene. Particularly good entries will receive an entire scene in the story describing their grisly remains and the discovery of the diary or maybe even have their undead brains smashed in by a shovel! How cool is that! And if it’s really long, tell me that in the message and I’ll give you my uber-private email address to send it to (which is curseoftroius (at) gmail (dot) com).
Thanks in advance for doing my work for me, WITHOUT MONETARY RENUMERATION OF ANY KIND. You’re the best.
UPDATED: I’ve gotten a lot of good questions, so I’ll post them here for additional clarity and the what-not:
1. What time frame does it take place? Modern day all the way, after a presidential election where a Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann-type was elected. All the modern conveniences/inconveniences.
2. Where does it take place? The protag’s journey is pretty much from DC to Delaware (insert Wayne’s World joke here), although an individual’s diary could conceivably be from just about anywhere since time passes through the story and people travel. The first acknowledged outbreak occurred in Terra Haute, Indiana, but with the complete unreliability of the news before everything goes dark, alternative theories are welcome.
3. Are the zombies Romero-esque slow zombies or the modern-day PCP-addled rampagers? Romero-esque, and don’t get me started on fast-moving zombies. The Zombie Survival Guide would essentially be a non-fiction book in this world.
4. Is something previously published on a blog OK? I’m perfectly good with using something you’ve published previously on your blog (and that you have all the rights to and tell me that I have permission to use it explicitly) and would include a “used with permission by author” with a link to the story’s original posting in the Acknowledgements section (if you like).
5. Is there a deadline? Sure. How’s about June 1st? If you’re late, it’ll still get consideration. Depending on how late. Like, past the publish date will be hard to pull off, but that date isn’t set.
6. Will you edit and reformat and make all the things written make sense? Absolutely. I will change things and clean them up if necessary. But to be honest, these diaries would be written by everyday people so grammatically incorrect stuff will actually be just as valid as perfect stuff.
7. I have something long. Is that a problem? Not at all. While the entire contribution may not be printed inside the story itself, I will include the full-length entry you sent at the end of the story itself in some kind of appendix, along with your real name and any website/blogsite/books you’ve written, if you’d like.
8. Am I going to be paid for this? You will be paid by the people’s love and adulation forever. You will not be paid in paper money, gold, silver, electronic funds, beads, platinum, argentium, valuable metals, invaluable metals, pearls, or any other kind of monetarily valuable product of any type, even if I sell 5 billion copies and become the richest man in the world. Well, OK, if I sell 5 billion copies, we’ll talk. But 4.9 billion? No way.