The 5 Greatest Performances by Kurt Russell’s Hair

 

I have a deep and enduring affection for Kurt Russell. Even above and beyond his movies, there is just something about the man that makes my knees weak. This perplexes and worries my wife, but there isn’t much I can do about it. I love his performances, his manner, his aw-shucks grin, his interviews – you name it. But there is one thing above everything else about the man that impresses me and leaves me swooning.

His hair.

Of all the things I hate about myself – and there is a lot – one of the top 50 or so things is my hair. I hate it. My hair sucks. It’s really fine, so it doesn’t do anything except either lay limp on my head or sway in the breeze. Unless, of course, I’ve just woken up, in which case it’s a variety of hilariously terrible designs. I call them the Super Saiyan (everything pushed up like I’m fucking Syndrome from The Incredibles), the Tricorn (the top straight up in a spike, each side straight out), the Fauxhawk (you can guess that one, except it’s super pointy), and the Sideblast (one side is flat, the other shooting out the other way). They are all terrible. My wife routinely calls me Calvin due to my resemblance to the comic strip character. Once, when I was staying with my in-laws, I woke up and went to the kitchen for some coffee. My father-in-law saw me and just immediately busted out laughing. I turned around and went back to bed.

Let’s just say my hair sucks, and I haven’t even gotten to the cowlick.

Anyway, people with thick, lustrous hair have always drawn my envy and admiration. I can’t even grow facial hair worth a shit, but I’d rather be bald than have a beard. I feel like beards would smell. And I’d have this beard and it’d be all smelly and it’d sit right under my nose and I’d have to smell that shit all day. No thanks. Beards are not OK.

Sorry. Anyway, that brings me back to Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell doesn’t have hair, he has a lustrous mane. It’s thick and awesome and it looks so much cooler than any dipshit hair style I’ll ever manage in my entire life. His hair should have its own IMDB page. Its own star on the Walk of Fame. I want a lock of his hair, Galadriel/Gimli style, and you’re damn right I’d set it in crystal and make it an heirloom of my House.

Now you get why my wife side-eyes me when I talk about Kurt Russell.

With no more ado, I give to you the definitive and indisputable 5 Best Performances by a Lustrous Mane, Kurt Russell Division:

#5 – Escape from New York

snake-plissken

Some legends claim that the hair is sentient and claimed a human host.

This might seem a little low, considering I’ve written an article about it before, but the metrics do not lie. Snake Plissken’s hair is thick and wild, serving as the framework and aura for the eyepatch. In some scenes it’s nearly black, like the essence of Snake himself, holding just enough light to make it capable of saving the world even if the world doesn’t really deserve it. It has the tensile strength of nine armored cables. This hair is not ranked too low: its glory just underscores the power of the coifs that rank above it.

#4 Death Proof

img_1390

It’s actually the hair smoking, not Kurt Russell.

 

Look at that hair, that shock of sculpted gelled menace. It sweeps back, nearly but not quite straight, like a stretch of road where a killer in a car might prowl, lights off, waiting for his next automotive victim. This hair is 57 years old and has seen a lot of miles, but it hasn’t lost its swagger, its virility, or its danger. This hair comes to play, but you won’t like the game.

#3 Stargate

img_1391

This hair is currently a USMC drill sergeant.

 

A surprise? Perhaps. What this hair lacks in gently sculpted waves it makes up for in rigidity. When Colonel Jack Motherfuckin’ O’Neil stands to attention, every last damn one of his hairs does too. Look at that shit. You could buff combat boots with it. You could scrub barnacles off a hull with it. Any bigger and you could lay on it like one of those nail beds, and they wouldn’t puncture your skin. You’d just rest on the ends of those perfect hairs.

#2 Big Trouble in Little China

img_1389

My eyes are down here, thank you.

 

This is the hair that mullets want to be. Patrick Swayze at the top of his Point Break/Dirty Dancing/Whatever That Bouncer Movie Was game could never match the perfect 1980’sness of this hair. This hair is so powerful that simply pairing it with glasses allows it to collapse all of the magnificence of its natural state into something with its own completely new identity and Social Security number:

img_1388

This hair did your taxes last year, and doubled your deduction.

 

This hair is the second-greatest gathering of head topping since Samson pushed down the pillars. But it’s no match for number 1.

#1: Hateful Eight

img_1392

Kurt Russell is not actually wearing a fur coat in this picture. He just hadn’t had a trim yet.

 

Look at that. I mean, LOOK AT IT. Run your fingers through it, in your mind, unless you’re Goldie Hawn and you get to do it for real yourself. This mane is 64 years old and has seen every bit of it. It hasn’t grown down to protect the face of the man lucky enough to live under it so much as it had a kid that moved out of the penthouse and settled on Kurt Russell’s lip. That moustache begins and ends in different zip codes. Rumor has it that the facial hair alone destroyed a priceless guitar on the set of the movie, AND I DON’T THINK THE RUMOR GOES FAR ENOUGH. That moustache killed a man and buried the body during filming in the middle of the night, and it scared Samuel L. Jackson enough to keep quiet about it. This hair is magnificent, and this is undisputed.

Damn Kurt Russell has some fine hair.

About Alan Edwards

An indie writer who does accounting full-time on the side.

Posted on November 17, 2016, in Kerfluffle, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Wow… you’re right. He looks different in every picture… Haha!

    What I hate about my hair is that I’ve had whites since I was 13… and I’m way too lazy when it comes to hygiene and physical “upkeep.” Though I’d rather have white hair than be bald. The most annoying thing about it, though, is it seems more like brittle twine than hair when it’s white, unless it’s just a mental thing. *Shrug* Being half-Spanish, I can grow thick, course, black hair in other areas, of course – there’s a reason why I always wear pants. 🙂

    My grandma in-law (is that a thing?) told me not to let my hair get white because I’d look really old (thanks…). Then earlier this year, my mom says that I have to dye my hair before we visit family in Spain b/c they’ll make fun of her for having a daughter who looks older than she does. I told her that I think that would be them making fun of ME… Then just a few weeks ago, my dad (who I got my white hair from), reeled back when he saw my hair in the sunlight and exclaimed, “Wow… you need to dye your hair.” And he NEVER comments or cares what I look like. Great.

    I really don’t want to dye my hair because I know once I do (which I have, and it’s already happened), I know I’ll have to keep up with it b/c then there will always be an obvious cut-off of where the dye took place, and where it’s growing out… Soon after my mom dyed it (because I don’t care about that waste of time kind of girly pampering crap) one of my guy friends said he thought I had white hair and he actually liked it b/c it made me look “distinguished.” I think that’s the only positive statement I’ve had on the color. So there’s that at least. 😛

  2. Haha! You’re right, I never thought of Kurt Russel’s hair in that way. He looks different in every picture.

    What I find annoying about my hair is that I’ve had whites since I was 13 years old… And more so than the color, it’s the fact that the whites are brittle and feel more like twine; or maybe that’s just a mental thing? Either way, being half-Spanish, I at least have thick hair – though if I could get rid of the course black ones on my legs, that would be great… Thank goodness for pants; that’s all I gotta say about that.

    My grandma in-law (is that a thing?) told me not to let my hair get white because then I’ll look 20 years older than I am (thanks?). My mom said I need to dye my hair before we go to Spain to visit family because they’d make fun of her for having a daughter who looks older than she does – though I clarified that would be them making fun of ME. Then just last month, my dad (who I get my whites from) saw my hair shining/glowing in the sunlight and reeled back, exclaiming, “Wow! You really need to dye your hair.” And he NEVER comments on how I look because we don’t care about that kind of stuff.

    I really don’t want to dye my hair because I know once I do (which has been done and did happen) I’ll have to keep up with it because there will always be that obvious cut-off where the dye took place and where it’s growing out; and I am incredibly lazy when it comes to hygiene and waste-of-time pampering crap – I know, I’m very lady-like… The only real positive comment I’ve had on the color was from one of my guy friends who stated – a few days after my mom dyed it for me – that he liked my white hair because it made me look “distinguished.” I decided to take that as a compliment, because eff it – validation for me not to dye it. 😛

    • I’ve had silvery white hairs for years now, mostly around my ears. I keep hoping they’ll keep coming in right in that area so I look like Reed Richards or J. Jonah Jameson. If I go grey, I want that first.

      I’ve always liked white or silver hair on people too young to normally have it. I just think it looks cool. Screw the dye! It’s definitely distinguished. Just be thankful it’s thick. Unlike my stupid hair.

  3. Loved his hair in The Hateful Eight and that mustache was really good. He looks awesome in the Death Proof picture, do not know that movie. #2 looks like a picture combo of Patrick Swayze and Ted Cruz. But he really does have great hair. He ages well.

    • Death Proof is a good horror movie with the most triumphant ending of all time. It’s fun and a rare movie where he’s a bad guy. I highly recommend it.

      And yeah, if I age 1/10th as well, I’ll be ecstatic.

  4. You have Edwards hair. Ya gotta love it or leave it. Stephanie tried leaving it. It came back. There is no getting away from it. I know. Stephanie and I often comment about the people that surround us in Arizona, “Just look at that! She is walking around just like it is normal to have hair like that.”

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